waiting for the dust to clear

Right...so doesn't it feel sometimes like everyone else has their s*%# together and you're left floundering around inside your head with self-doubt, insecurities and maybe even a little self-loathing?  I seriously wonder when I will finally accept the 'me' God made me to be and stop comparing myself to others or trying to be perfect...when I know perfect is perfectly impossible to attain in this fleeting life.  I really want to be that woman who can laugh at herself...and accept herself most of the time because I am learning that truly, it is next to impossible to love others if I don't love myself.  When did I get it in my head that I had to heap these unrealistic expectations on myself with no room for failure of any kind.  It's pretty maddening and can make a girl a little crazy in the head.

It can also make your family a tad crazy...trying to figure you out.

There are just those days, weeks, ugh-months, though, when I get sort-of 'stuck' in this place and I forget who I am...or I just completely lose sight of who I am (but, honestly...that is the age-old question...who am I?!!!).  It's really easy, I think, to get in a mindset of wandering around in this desert.  It really is a desert place too.  It's dry, dusty and full of illusions!  There is something about entering your forties that launches you into such reflections...or maybe I should have gone through this in my twenties?  Wow...there's a thought.

I expressed to a gal-pal last week that I feel like I've been stripped naked of who I 'thought' I was and I'm groping around for a sense of identity.  It seems like the 'right' thing to say at this point is, "My identity is found in Jesus!"  But seriously, and I'm just being honest here, I am trying to really, truly, honestly discover and believe what that statement means to me...this one that He created for His pleasure.  I am desperate to know Him more fully than I ever have been in my life.

If I uncover some amazing truths or revelations on the matter, I will be certain to fill you in.  I know He is the Faithful One...and if that is all I know right now...then I have to trust that He is somewhere in this desert with me...I just need the dust to clear ;)