So, I've been in a really tough spot lately. Life has been challenging. In the past three and a-half months there has been sooooo much change in my life and I've faced some pretty difficult and dark days; spiritually, emotionally and physically (postpartum;0/), financially! There have been moments where I feel like I'm on auto pilot waiting for the next "hit". Where is it going to come from today and how do I find "peace" in the middle of a storm? Cliche?!!!!!
It's been so hard to connect with the Lord, His Word. I can't pray. The scriptures just seem dry and lifeless to me...but then there are these really keen moments where I am very aware that He is speaking to me, and that He isn't disappointed in me. They come swiftly and they are very clear whispers of His intentions for me in this place. I know it's Him, because I've heard His voice. My ears prick up and I am aware that I have not been abandoned by my Daddy. He is in this space with me. He has gone so far as to prepare me for this season, even though my soul fights to escape it. I want the easy way out!
I'm certain that He wants me to let go of something and grab hold of something at the same time...something in me, something that keeps me from my purpose in Him and my freedom in Him. I feel it so intensely sometimes and there have been days spent crying out that He would just bring clarity to the mess.
Today I am going to venture out in FAITH and grab hold of something. I don't know, anything...whatever he gives me...a word, a smile, a miracle. I know He has been calling me to pray like I've never prayed before (and I don't mean "harder"). I need to pray different. I heard Him say to me in a swift moment this morning, "Daughter, take the ground I've given you!" I've been thinking about that all day. I've been thinking about the things and the people in my life that are "praying issues." How am I praying about these things? How do I "take the ground?" I know that part of that will look like having courage to go in and take back something that rightfully belongs to me...because He said He's already given it to me. There are many items on my list...relationships, finances (more specifically...a car that's about to die!), deep corners of my own heart that need to be changed and surrendered.
Show me how to pray Lord and please continue to do a work in me that makes me more vulnerable, more surrendered, more real. It's painful. It's discipline, but I know that the fruit will be good. See...so here I am now, crying out, "More God, More!" Am I so crazy, split personality? I guess we all are. I think our spirits cry out to Him for truth, but there is a price to be paid for sure. I'm just simply tired of being on the "verge of something!" I'm ready to take what He wants to give me. I've seen it happen in my marriage, so I know it can happen in these other areas of my life. Process!
I hope I haven't totally lost you. This is all very deep inside of me and when I write I process best. No coincidence that I have been very much absorbing a book called, "On the Highroad of Surrender."
" In tenderness Thou hast brought me to this place, and surely in gentleness Thou wilt minister to my needs. I shall not be disheartened if I may look upon Thy face. I may not receive a speedy answer to my prayer, but while the light is withheld, I shall trust Thee in the darkness."
"Tomorrow I keep for you:
TODAY I give to you."
2 comments:
Heavy suff, little one...very intense but no one would question your hunger for God and all that He has for you. Today's Scripture verse for my APN is "Unless a grain of wheat falls into the earth and dies, it remains just a single grain, but if it dies, it bears much fruit." John 12:24 Then, dear Oswald Chambers gives us, "The knowledge of our own poverty is what brings us to the proper place where Jesus Christ accomplishes His work." from yesterdays MY UTMOST FOR HIS HIGHEST. Today's gives us, "Am I willing to reduce myself down to simply “me”? Am I determined enough to strip myself of all that my friends think of me, and all that I think of myself? Am I willing and determined to hand over my simple naked self to God? Once I am, He will immediately sanctify me completely, and my life will be free from being determined and persistent toward anything except God (see 1 Thess. 5:23–24).
It's really all about "dieing to self", Gi, and it hurts. My prayer as your mother is that you can find His peace in this process and can relax knowing that His best for you is still His hearts desire. Just let Him love you; He knows you love Him.
Know that, we too, as your earthly parents love you dearly and cherish you JUST AS YOU ARE, beloved Gina.
Do your best in THIS day you have been given then surrender the rest to the God you love. The process will strip you down until there is nothing left but your "self", and that is the place of death because we truly are nothing without Him. Once we accept that, we are free!
Now, if this just adds confusion, forgive me. It is from my heart to yours; my spirit to your spirit --and the Holy Spirit takes it to the Father for us both.
We love you -- forever, daughter and mother of four of our eight grandchildren!!! PEACE! JOY! LOVE!
Mom and Papa
Gi,
I have gone through these valleys before also. I know what it feels like to NOT be able to pray. I have to say though... my belief is that God allows those valleys to strengthen us and bring us into Him more.
I have SO enjoyed our visits lately, and It is very evident to me that God is working in you. He is peeling back layer upon layer. Oh... and trust me, I wouldn't be able to see it if it weren't for the fact that I have (and still am) experienced the same.
God is good. He is there. Even when we're not sure what to do with that presence. I love you friend!
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