The First Flower

She said, "I am only a little rose or autumn crocus of the plain of Sharon, or a humble lily of the valley, that grows in deep and difficult places." -Song of Solomon 2:1

...and that is where I shall begin again, because you see, I am coming to understand that it is in the difficult situations of life, where I grow and bloom.  A few months ago I left this blog of mine, not without much prayer.  I knew that the Lord was asking me to rest from the writing for a time.  I wasn't sure what that meant, but I knew that it was time for me to seek His intentions for my blog and my writing in general.  I was ready for something new in my writing; a new focus, a new place of purpose...GROWTH!

We never know what our lives will be from one day to the next...one day He has us in a place where  life is simply good, we are at peace and all is right with the world.  The next day, we may be facing one of the most horrendous struggles of our lives, either inner or outer circumstances beyond our control, desperate for answers, struggling to make some sense of it all.  Sometimes the days of hardship linger and we feel like we are ever climbing the steepest precipice, wondering if wandering will ever come to an end.  Then, at other times, the answers come swiftly and He reveals His purpose, and the thing is done.

I had no idea where the Lord was about to lead me as I shut-down what had become like a close friend and a place to process my thoughts and feelings.  But now, gazing back on the landscape of these past months, I can see that He faithfully led me right where He needed me to be for the awakening to occur in me that He had planned all along.  I went on an inward journey/journal and the Lord has allowed me to come full circle with some of my deepest struggles, longings, fears - and then, He has turned around and gripped me with fresh understanding of who HE is for me and, oh, revelations of the heart untold.  Just when I thought there was no hope left at all...Mercy, Grace...whispers of His divine presence like the gentlest rain drops falling on the soul.   Asking me to let go of my grip on what is past...who I thought I was, who I thought I could never be, all the negative mindsets that are buried deep in my mind and demand their voice be heard...no questions asked.  All along my soul is crying out, "Who ARE YOU???  Who are you God of my youth, God of my days?  What is this mess?  How can I be healed?"

And then, today!!!  Ah, blessed day.  A day to mark on the pages of my life as a day when He came and He untangled knots, pulled lose tied up thoughts all jumbled and messed up in me.  A day when the prayer prayed on the day of my 40th birthday (nine months ago!!!) was answered through the gift of, what else...WORDS!  His Word....alive, going deep and releasing me from the chains of yesterday still clinging so tightly with their very last threads of condemnation.

The words of a friend came swiftly to meet deepest lies that I've told myself for long enough.

"YOU NEVER HAVE TO ENTERTAIN CONDEMNING THOUGHTS EVER AGAIN!"

"You deserve to feel the effects of FREEDOM!  It cost Him too much for you not to embrace TRUTH...the TRUTH OF WHO YOU ARE!!!"

Quite an afternoon as we sat in the shade of the porch while Belle napped - for three hours - undisturbed by anything around us...because God meant business today!  He hid us away in such a Holy place - a garden, shut-up...enclosed by His love  (Song of Solomon) -, as new and uncharted territory became new landscape before me.   I weep as I type because I feel like I am walking into a fairytale of sorts...one my heart has heard of, here and there, faint and distant visions...that I believed so fully as a child.  That it was real and possible - this love of purest form and passion.  But the dream was stripped away by the liar who comes to steal and kill, and destroy.  That child is coming fully awake again.  I can feel her heart beating in me.  She is alive.  She is ALIVE!  And she is so ready to be fully AWAKE in the moment.   Ready to live, and love, and step into whatever is next...confident that tomorrow He will be the same warrior-champion He was for me today and I NEVER have to look back again.  Never!

P.S.  Bella and I were outside this evening, and as I sat on the porch and typed this thing, she ambled up to me and gave me my first flower.  "Here mommy...fower!"  A reminder from Him...Song of Solomon.