I don't know that I've ever gone a month without writing in this thing, but I'm looking at the date on the last post and I'm thinking, "Where have I been?!!"  April was so full.  From Easter, which was so sweet this year, although it was a bit empty without the family for me (Mom and Dad were at Teeks), to the Sea Otter Classic towards the end of the month.  Now that was an awesome time for all.  Spending 4 full days in Monterey is not something you have to twist my arm to concede to.  Lord, what a place and what a time.  The first morning there, the older 3 (I include Brian in that) took off for the event at Laguna Seca, while the youngest ones and I went on the most extraordinary stroll.  We walked to the visitors center, then Dennis the Mennis Park (Silas completely dug this), to the beach (hello, it was a gorgeous day and Bella loved the water), to Fisherman's Warf where we got taffy at the candy store and watched the seals sun bathing on the peer.

Unbelievable time of relationship building for my Silas and I.  How I love that one.  He is ever so tender towards this mama...so sensitive to my needs and so thoughtful.  God has big plans for my Silas.  His heart is very big, very sweet, and the creativity that flows from this kid amazes me daily.  He is not my most organized child but he certainly generates ideas that leave me in awe.  We had a blast together in Monterey.  He was my sidekick, helper and buddy the whole time!  So helpful with Bella;)  OH yeh, the guys did race on Sunday and we really had a ball at Sea Otter, though it was very warm and sometimes unbearable for Silas and I.  Thankfully, I had put the big umbrella in the car so that helped.  Guess I wasn't careful enough though, because boy did the top of my head get burned.

So, home it was and we moved right into STAR testing week...piece of cake, except that we were all a bit short on sleep.  Brian has started his Downieville training and although this sucks up so much time away from the family, I am ok with it.  It makes him feel good and, of course, look pretty darn good too:)  Bonus!  My honey is so beautiful and I certainly long for him these days (that's another story).  I am finally shedding the pounds I packed on while pregnant with Isabella Grace.  Finally!!!  Wow, most difficult process ever.  Getting to this place of surrender has been arduous this go-around...absolutely arduous and something that has taken all of my physical, mental and spiritual persistence.  Something happened after Easter and I felt like God had me in this place of finally being determined and intentional about watching what I was putting in my mouth, and most importantly 'why' I was putting it in my mouth...also, I had developed such an aversion to exercise that I had to push through.  I feel like I'm on the other side now and I know it helps that the sun is starting to shine and school is wrapping up:))

Spiritually, I have definitely been in a season of wandering. Nothing has satisfied as far as my music or books.  I've had such a lack of desire to pray or seek, really.  I was definitely spiraling into a dark and desperate place in my soul.  I wish it wasn't so darn easy to slip back into old mindsets, but alas I was looking to myself and my own strength, and not running or trusting that Papa really loved me and would see me through this.  It was last Sunday that we went to church and there was a young man and his mother an father sitting in front of us.  The young man, who seemed about twenty to me and definitely had some kind of physical and maybe mental disability (he was really small, probably about 4 feet) and just tiny, exuded such peace and rest it captured my spirit.  He stood there in front of us during worship, with his armed wrapped around his father's waist, in such a way that the Lord spoke to me and said, "I want you to cling to me like this.  See how his daddy stands praising me, confident, strong, intentional, and see how this young man clings to him with such faith and trust.  That's how I want you to cling to me."  I was moved deeply by his expression of love for his daddy.  Church itself that day was just amazing.  Donny Moore, the chaplain for the Oakland A's and runs the Radical Reality youth camps that Ben goes to in the summer, spoke to us about the reality of God's love for us and, man, could that guy tell a story.  Brian was sniffling throughout much of it (not allergies:) and I know he was moved in his spirit as well.

 Well, it wasn't until yesterday on my way up to the staff meeting, that I finally felt break-through from all of the oppression.  I had decided to listen to one of the teachings from Graham Cooke and had randomly picked Disc 3 of "The Art of Thinking Brilliantly."  I listened and prayed and still felt that heavy spirit just wouldn't let go until I got to just outside of Grass Valley.  Graham started talking about David and Goliath.  It was funny, as Graham can make anything funny, and I was listening intently when he said, "David used what was in his hand and it was enough!"  At the very moment he said that, something in me, and over me, broke off and the tears came as well as a prayer language that I had never spoken before in my life.  Papa spoke into my heart and said, "Gina, open your hand and see that I have given you what you need to fight this thing.  If you will just trust that what I've given you is enough for this battle.  You will even use the enemies own weapons to slay him!"  There was more to that and it was so freeing and so incredible-a-moment.  One of those moments I will never forget and I know it is also all in preparation for this coming retreat weekend.  Mom and I are going to see Graham Cooke!!!!  Eeeeeek!  God totally planned my mother's day and I know it is going to be the best yet, full of His surprises and treasured gifts for this daughter of His.

Today is a new day, but I am walking in his freedom and truth and I don't have to look back:)!!!  Might take little Miss Belle to urgent care today...fear that her little thumb might be "boken" and probably need to get that checked out.  I need discernment on that.  Other than that...a run and cleaning house are on the agenda, and as I glance outside, I can see that the blue skies are back and it is going to be a gorgeous day!