De-Facing

I think this has been a long time coming.  I mean, not that you would know that, because it's a conversation that I have had only with myself...and sometimes my hubby.  

News flash...Brian-Gina Holbrook have left the facebook arena.  We've been de-faced.  Ha!  I know some people will have a very difficult time understanding how on earth anyone could not have a facebook account.  I get that, because I have had many an argument with myself over why I would ever "disconnect" like this.  I mean, seriously...daily connections with family that live on the other side of the continent, connections with friends from days gone by who would otherwise never know how "wonderful" my life is, the ability to stay in touch with my students and their families, the ability to share any passing thought or brilliant revelation at any time of day or night, umm...recipes!!! ...etc...  I have gone so back and forth with this, but let's just say, it all came to a head for me tonight, and I think the biggest 'A-HA' moment I had was when I realized that I could "experimentally" leave facebook, give myself a time-frame of 4 months (because I think it takes at least that long to detox from something as powerful as facebook,) and make it a "project".  Yes, I am actually going to be documenting my time away from Social Media Networking.  Stay tuned!

So, what is my biggest reason for de-facing.  For me it came down to this:  ever since around mid-December, I have found myself in a place of desiring change and simplicity.  At first I thought, "Wow, for the past year I have hardly gotten through a single book.  What is happening?"  The obvious answer to this question was that in the evening and on weekends, when I might have some free moments to engage with a book, I was defaulting to my computer screen and staring endlessly and aimlessly at what everyone else was doing, saying, thinking...and commenting, liking, sharing.  Knowing the very obvious culprit, my goal for the beginning part of 2013 was to read, spending less time social networking. 

As 2013 has progressed, and we are now almost in March, I find myself reverting back to old habits.  It goes something like this:  free moment = facebook.  

Now, if I am honest, I will also tell you that there is much more to this story.  Facebook has become for me, a place I go to either prove how wonderful and worthy I am of everyone's "liking", or a place I go to affirm all of those thoughts of unworthiness and shame that I have been fighting so hard these past years to let go of and move forward from.  (*Please take note...this is MY very own experience, and I would never, ever judge someone else's facebook intentions or facebook experience.  This is my own pitiful confession peeps.)  

Since January I have read a few books.  It started with Chalene Johnson's book, PUSH.  I have found this to be a very empowering fitness/life book because Chalene beautifully incorporates fitness goals into a very healthy approach to personal success on all fronts.  Because of the many self-reflections and goal writing activities, it started me on a new path to finding what truly makes me happy and what truly motivates me.  Hmmm, maybe not a new path, but certainly a new way of looking at the scenery along the path and changing my stride.

The next book I read was, All is Grace , by Brennan Manning.  It was this book that took me on a spiritual adventure; one like I haven't been on for some time.  If I could describe this book to you,  I would say it is like an unexpected visit from a friend who loves you so much that they don't care if you answer the door with yesterday's make-up on, yesterday's hair all up in a knot, and maybe even yesterday's underwear.  Ok---that kind of friend.  They then proceed to sit with you for just the right amount of time, sharing all kinds of encouragement, truth and love.  When they leave, you feel revived and whole and totally accepted...and you didn't even offer them tea.  That is Brennan's account of his life in this book.  ALL IS GRACE!

At this point in time, I am wrestling.  I am wrestling with fricking PMS like I have never wrestled before.  I am wrestling with my self-image.  I am wrestling with our finances.  I am wrestling with the haunting voices from my past that tell me I'm not ok, and I'm not enough, and I never will be.  I'm wrestling with my faith (there, I said it.)  I'm wrestling with my kids and even my very purpose.  I am also wrestling with this damn book called, The Woman Behind the Mask .  It exposes me.  It makes me feel vulnerable.  It makes me "uncomfortable."  I keep walking by it, sitting there on my nightstand (right next to Daring Greatly), and it's calling to me..."read me!!!"  But if I heed it's call and I pick it up I know there is going to be that wrestling in me and probably tears, and Lord I don't have time for tears today!  But page by unmasking page, I am trudging through, and I know it is all in preparation for what God is wanting to do in me...indeed, what I have asked Him to do in me...so many nights, so many long, confusing and gut-wrenching nights of eyes wide-open waiting for the whisper.  Just. Waiting.

So, facebook has to go for now. It's as simple as that.  I must seek without distraction.  I must lose whatever it is that facebook has become for me, even if I find that facebook has nothing at all to do with this mess inside of me.  For as much mess is inside of this girl...I know there is just as much, but probably mega-times more "messy grace!" ...right Dad?!!!  

I'll keep you posted.  Love to all!
G  (sorry Glennon...I am the original G ;)